Should I try to save my long-distance relationship - The Boston Globe

Q. I'd been living with my partner for about seven years. On paper we were great — both academics, love travel and hiking, and want a child-free life. The good times were really good and I loved her (and still do). Other times, however, my partner was quick to get angry, yell, and cry. I was often the target of this negative emotional energy, even when I was not its cause (somehow I was to blame for tiny external annoyances).

I had implored her to get help managing her emotions, but she wouldn't.

In 2021, fed up with my job as well as my relationship, I took a new position abroad. She supported me taking it; I would come back to our shared home during vacations and summers. But I made it clear: This move was a sign that our relationship was not good and needed changing. Honestly, I thought it was the end. To my surprise, she started getting help. She's been better at managing her emotions and apologizing when she slips up. She seems more willing to listen to my needs and to support them. Things have gotten better.

I have a chance to return to the United States full time. It would mean sacrificing a job I really like (and taking one I probably won't) to live together full time. I would be excited to live with her again, but under lower stress circumstances. But I dread my job in the States, and fear the possibility she might regress. How do I make this decision?

– Scared to Return

A. Let's say she keeps this up — in a good way. Would the move feel wrong anyway? Would it cause resentment? The job issue seems important. It sounds like a return would make you unhappy because you love where you are in your professional life. It seems like a huge risk to return without knowing you can do something you like.

My advice is to wait until you feel better about the career part of this. Do more research. Have meetings with contacts. Find out what other opportunities are out there. If you return with things to look forward to outside of the relationship, it'll be easier for the two of you to thrive. On the other hand, if you come back now and your partner isn't on her best behavior, it'll be tough on you — and her. You've made it through two years of long distance; perhaps you can sign up for more so you both can get what you want.

Yes, the extended separation might put your relationship at risk, but everything is up in the air right now. Maybe she can help you figure out a compromise that makes visiting easier.

You should not come home if the primary feelings are fear and dread. If this isn't the right time to return, you'll find another — or a different path that makes more sense.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

Unmarried and no children or home ownership leaves you free to take your time with decisions. AUNTTIGGYWINK

Of course if you're not seeing her on a daily basis, she's going to be on her best behavior when you do. . . . I guess you need to ask yourself what the end goal is here. DANGLEPARTICIPLE